Bewildered, Is She.

Updated: Sep 26, 2021

She, is born female, a welcomed addition to the maternal lineage making it four generations. Raised in a loving feminine energy field. She, is taught the things that will protect her from the natural influences and temptations of life. School is where She, went to be formally educated and not until mid - life did She, understand that it was more of a programming of the mind - a control mechanism - if you will, rather than a source of education that would support her dreams, will, and aspirations to be all she could be in life.

In the home She, learned religion and once in Sunday school learned that she was of the Christian tribe, indoctrinated to believe Jesus Christ, died for her sins. On Saturday nights, before Sunday school, She’s, mommy would scrub her knees and elbows and between her toes with zest soap. Once the sponge was fully lathered mom washed She’s back and then held the sponge up high letting the water it held rain down, rinsing the soap from her back. The warm water tickled making She, laugh. “Stop being silly and be still,” her mom would say.

When it was time to have her orifices cleaned. She, would scrunch her face in embarrassment.

“Open your legs and squat,” She’s, mother would say and the soapy cloth would wash pure the unspeakable, private places. Now, the best part was after her bath. She’s, mother would moisten her skin with Jurgen’s lotion. The cherry almond fragrance of the emollient would meld to her pajamas as She, would float on scented wings to sleep.

Sunday morning was the time She transformed into a little princess. The lovely pink, dress, imprinted with strawberries hung on mom’s closet door. The lace petticoat slip that helps the dress fan out lied next to it. The pink anklet socks with lace around the border, the black patent leather shoes, white purse, white nylon gloves, and of course a hat rounded out She’s, Sunday best. Although, She, loved her outfit, she found the slip annoying because it made her skin itch, but soon she forgot about it.

Living A Free Independent Life.

“Are you coming out with us for happy hour after work?” One of She’s friends asked.

“Where are you going?” She, questioned.

“To the new club, downtown the men are GQ and fine."

“Yes, what time should I meet you, I’m taking my new car to get washed and I’ll meet you there.” She, said.

“Alright, sophisticated lady.”

“Why do you call me that?” “Cause, you know how to dress up for the office and then remove your jacket and become the sexy siren, turning heads, and fighting off multiple suitors with dignity and grace.”

“Ha.” She, laughed.

People always admired She’s, representation of herself. The professional at work, and the lady who knew how to have a good time. Dancing all night at a club was nothing for She, and where she met most of her husbands. The men represented themselves well and the courtships were long enough to quell any doubts She, may have had. Oh no, don’t forget that one… However, She, never let the failed marriages get her down or cause her heart to become jaded. She, had given love and marriage 5 chances, if you count, that She, married her first husband twice. She, was blessed with two children, a boy and a girl and who also know who their daddy is and 6 grands She, adores.


She, worked hard and provided several homes for her family, but life and bad choices happen. Looking in the rearview mirror of life, at times She questions asking herself. “What would I have done differently?" She’s, answer “Many things... if I had - had the knowledge to have made better choices.” Today, She, has none of the properties of yesterday, and chose instead the freedom from being tied down to a mortgage. She’s, age is already a constant reminder of immortality and does not need a “Death pledge” hanging around her neck. She, has always known what she wanted and how to go about getting it in her younger days. Now She, is thinking to herself, wondering where did the time go? It seemed just yesterday, my girlfriends and I were laughing, having fun, turning heads and working to secure a good retirement.

Thoughts are coursing through She’s, head like a running faucet, untapped, while walking the isles doing her weekly shopping. The weight gain has She, moving slower than usual. Looking more at the items than buying them, because She’s, hips have increased like margarine, the high price spread, and getting to the gym and relaxing in the hot sauna is nothing more than a passing wish, since Covid -19 hit and seems it will stick around longer, than anyone wants it too.

“Where are all of my friends?” She, thinks as she reaches up to get her favorite cheese crackers. “The last I remember, one of their husbands had just passed, and one of our girlfriends died from Covid. The others I have no clue if they are dead and gone on to their glory or alive. She, touched her heart in gratitude, knowing that being above the ground and having the ability to live independently, is indeed a blessing . She, reflected that since becoming a committed Muslim, is when my so-called friends became far and few between and it’s been very hard to establish a sisterhood with other Muslims. I guess everyone has something they want to keep hidden. "I can respect that to a certain point." She, said, now openly talking to herself. The reality is people who are of the Islamic faith are as human and suffer from the same failures as all people. She, is committed to not let other’s issues define who and what values are brought to her table and the welcome mat, will always be laid out for the sake of Allah. La ilaha ilala wa ana Muhammadan Rasulullah.

She’s, last question to herself. “Was it worth it to end up without a significant other?” Answering herself,

She, said, "straight up and unapologetically with a resounding yes.”

© Clover Journesy 9/9/2021

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